Trying.

Okay so, um. None of us know what we’re doing!!! How comforting and absolutely terrifying is THAT? I’ve been thinking about these lyrics from Baby Queen's song We Can Be Anything a lot recently:

'It's a simple fact that nothing matters

And life will go on in my absence"

She said, "A life devoid of meaning

Is a life of total freedom"'

Well I've been stuck in a flare up cycle and there's nothing like chronic illness to confirm life does go on in my absence– I can't do anything about it– but I can TRY to not beat myself up for it. And in our freedom, we can choose to make meaning, right? Like making a stranger smile, making a friend's day a little brighter, making some tasty treat to eat, or asking someone else to do it for us...

It's easy to feel overwhelmed and it's easy to feel pressure to do more, especially when there are just so many problems. It's easy to feel hopeless. But as John Green says 'The truth is far more complicated than mere hopelessness.'

So, if all I can do right now is try to feel hope, try to give myself the grace I deserve when I'm in even more pain than usual... Maybe that's enough. Maybe that's as good a New Year's resolution as any. Trying.