Food shopping is not the triumph I thought it would be. 🥫
I hadn’t been in a supermarket for almost two years. Colours, beeping, clothes, trolleys, people, lighting, rattling, it was all too overwhelming and I severely overestimated my ability to walk. Why don’t supermarkets have benches? Why is everything so bright? Why is nobody wearing masks? Feeling sick with a subluxed foot, I return home with only half my (very short) shopping list crossed off.
Big red letters line the path every time that I leave the house: ‘you are not welcome in this world!’
I lament to my mother that I belong in lockdown.
I sob to my boyfriend that I make everything worse.
I spiral down and down, with the thoughts of my friends moving on with life and leaving me behind.
Internalised ableism was less loud in lockdown.
Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the right gluten free bread, maybe it’s because I couldn’t find the crisp aisle… but re-entering the world was disappointing. 😔